Alcoholic’s Transformation | Sarah Goodwin
Before I became a Christian, I was a broken mess. I was addicted to lots of unhealthy things. I was bought up in a dysfunctional household; there was abuse, neglect, abandonment, and alcohol. I was full of shame, fear, and unworthiness. I went on to marry the wrong man who also was very dysfunctional and abusive, emotionally, and sexually. I had four children with him before our divorce, which happened after I found out he was cheating on me with many women. My life fell apart after "the dream" of a lovely family life was shattered. I had many relationships and started drinking. I saw less of my children, so I drank more to hide from the pain. I went from one rented property to another and eventually moved in with a man who also drank too much. This was very toxic and was very abusive on both sides. My ex-husband ended up going to jail for something he did to one of my children. Two of them came to live with me and the other two moved in with their girlfriends. My youngest son was diagnosed with a brain tumour when he was seventeen and sadly died nine months later. I was distraught and did not know what to do. My grief was heavy and too much, my life became a nightmare and I tried to drown everything with alcohol.
I tried to commit suicide twice, the first time I cried out to God to take me after drinking a lot of alcohol and taking many pills. Then, I heard an audible voice saying, "It is not your time." With that, I threw up and went to sleep in a crumpled mess on the floor. The second time was just over two years ago, a litre of vodka and every tablet I could find in the house, this time I did not want to wake up, I did not want to live in this sad, horrible, painful world. I hated myself and I hated life. I had enough. I was found in the early hours by my daughter, who could not sleep. She heard a voice saying "mum", so, she came to my house and called the ambulance. They told me later that if I had been left another half an hour I would not be here today. I woke up in hospital and was eventually sent home after a psychiatric assessment with many numbers to call for support. One was help with my alcohol addiction, one was Christians Against Poverty (CAP) and there were many more. I went for help with my addictions and received help with my debt, I also started counselling, quickly after this.
I met Jesus when the ladies from CAP came to my house to help with my debt. They were kind and happy and never judged me, they prayed for me and showed me so much love. My encounter with my alcohol addiction recovery also introduced me to a loving God with a plan for my life. I went through many steps to deal with the baggage which I had carried my whole life, through these steps and courses from the church I had a relationship with a loving, kind, merciful Father.
In a church service I asked for Him to come into my life and help me. It was a journey which is still going strong, but with each step and each course I learned about Jesus' love for me, this broken sinner who had done some very awful things. He loved me anyway, He knew it all and still loved me. I am still blown away by this and so very grateful. I am alive and thriving and it's all because of a merciful God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It was not a flash of lightning quick experience, it was a calm, kind, beautiful, step by step, everyday encounter which still goes on today. This led me to getting baptised in the sea, which was an incredible experience.
Today, I am a happy, calm grateful person. I have friends today who are incredible, and which I have never had before. I have worked through many things from my childhood and have forgiven many people including myself for all the dysfunction and agony. I no longer feel shame, abandonment, or pain. I am not the same person I was two years ago. I am out of debt, sober and thriving.
I am on a journey, as we all are, but I know that I have some self-respect and I actually can look at myself in a mirror and say to that lady looking back at me, "You are loved, you are chosen, you are a beautiful child of God. You are worthy.” I make decisions today, which I never could before, I am just so very blessed. I am still human and make mistakes, I can still get up in the morning and feel anxious, fearful, and unworthy. But I know that I have Jesus by my side, and He can do for me that I cannot do for myself. The change in me has been miraculous. I must do my part in that and getting to know Jesus is an absolute pleasure. I have had to forgive and give it all to God. He has taken all of that to the cross, which He gave to us for that reason. I have been transformed.
I have asked God to help me fix my relationships, particularly with my family, and I have heard Him say “Love them as I have loved you!” This is how I always try to live now. Giving out God’s love, as He will never run out! This has helped me rid of any anger or resentment towards people. Showing them the love that God has shown me.
Jesus has been working on my own barriers I have created. They are not fully gone and sometimes I feel I need to protect myself again, to feel safe. But thanks to God I now feel happier without them, even when its hard to let them go, and I can see I’m in such a better place now!
We are children of God, He loves each one of us, He will leave the ninety-nine to come after the one lost. He did that for me, and He will do that for you... what an awesome God.
